S'Ok ... S'All Good

I had a bit of a meltdown last Tuesday / Wednesday. Self-employment has its challenges. Mid-week last week, I faced the spectre of:

• desperately needing to "fire" my primary, long-time client due to lack of creative cooperation, or really, any other kind of cooperation ("read my mind, please, and produce what I need without me having to actually describe what that is, oh, and if you get it wrong, you're an a$$")
  
• having almost, but not quite, landed two very "meaty" clients

I know the concept of "firing a client" might seem counter-intuitive, and rather cheeky, but it can be necessary. Sometimes clients start to cost you either hard dollars or severe emotional baggage. It was the latter for me. Ta ta. Have a nice life.

The thing is, for me, baggage of this kind clamps down on me creatively. Can't do my job if I can't be freed up to creatively identify problems, and find solutions. One of the key learnings from this client experience, and there are many, is that my essential working style is collaborative. This is not true for other people who have a more structured, hierarchical approach to things. It is critical that I recognize and understand this AHEAD of time, not afterwards.  More on this later ...

So, as of Wednesday, it was possible that I could end the week with no clients at all. Gulp.

Speaking of Wednesday, my emotional nadir, I had two things booked that day, weeks in advance. Could not be canceled or changed.

• photo shoot for a documentary
• speed-dating event (good lord)

To make matters worse even still, I had asked my next door neighbour, one of Toronto's top make-up artists for film and TV, to "do me up" prior to the photo shoot. I haven't worn make-up since, oh, my brother's wedding in 1985. Prior to that, my main experience had been with stage make-up. However, something compelled me to get "done" for this.

So, there I sat, mid-afternoon, as my neighbour gleefully applied mascara and air-brushed my pores or whatever the hell that was he was doing. He's been waiting for YEARS to do this. I tried to get into the playfulness of the moment but really, I mostly just wanted to cry from the sheer stress of it all. So, I can't imagine how the photos will turn out given my complete state of discomfort.  Haven't seen them yet. The shoot itself went as well as could be expected. (Thanks, Sister Crisp, for getting me involved.)

Yeah, then speed-dating. No stress there at all, nope. The concept is at once brilliant and terrifying. Five minutes to decide, and be decided upon. Me with gobs of mascara irritating my eyes, some unknown substance plastered on my skin, and still mostly needing a darn good cry. I'm sure I was suitably impressive.

When I signed up for this, I did so really as an experiment. Just a ginger testing of the waters. Of the eleven women I met, I'd happily chat with 9 of them again. I checked off six as potential "dates".

Thursday brought excellent news as the two "meaty" clients firmed up and I was able to wrap up my last few items for the client-that-shall-not-be-named and put paid to that account. Clouds lifted, angels sang ... and, as it turns out, three of the speed-dating six saw past the mascara and checked me off on their scorecards as well. Interesting.

Thus, after this roller coaster ride, it is understandable that I had rather a lot of adrenalin to burn off on the weekend ... four hockey games and one awesome hey-this-is-like-undergrad-again-pass-the-tequila party later ... the thing is my body is no longer even close to undergrad status and it took me most of Sunday to shake off the cobwebs. Which was really tricky as I had hours of prep to do before launching into my new client engagements. I'm usually a pretty fast typist, but there I was almost using the hunt and peck method, trying to finish a four page proposal ... blinking rather a lot ...

A few bumps since then, but I think I'm back on track now. I really (REALLY) appreciate my friends - comments, chats, e-mails, phone calls - these few difficult days. Thank you. You know who you are.

Work wise, I'm about to start three days a week with a large, high-profile organization, reporting to a highly non-collaborative person, or at least he presents as such at the moment. We'll see. The thing is that I can see it and adjust for that kind of culture. I'm adaptable. Just don't say "we're all a team here" and then proceed to take a top down, slice and dice approach after sucking me in with your safe environment team crap.

My other gig is profoundly collaborative and challenging within a much smaller organization. Mental gymnastics, all of it. Something to match my physical work-outs, perhaps. Oh, I forgot to mention ... current weight loss @ 50 lbs, speaking of angels singing ...